Perceptions of fear

Realizing that I am going through fear and having the courage to face it has been essential in the last 7 years, let alone 7 days.  Finally understanding how much I've been feeding this fear through worry and hesitation and "processing" has been so incredibly self-indulgent.  I'm finally willing to accept that I may not have gotten the Love I wanted or deserved to have as a child/adolescent growing up, but ultimately it taught me to cultivate self Love as opposed to attaching myself to receiving it on the outside.  This is a very interesting containment process which I am grateful to have had the assistance of Sacred Path community, and my family and friends and lovers and everyone who has been a part of showing me how to cultivate this inner Love.  It is a dual process of experiencing it from the outside and reflecting it on the inside & vice versa.
Living in the place I am living now has taught me a lot about facing the deeper inner fears as well, fear of pain & suffering and death especially.  They say that Waipi'o has a portal to the underworld & I believe it from what I have been through here. In the 8+ months I have spent here I have experienced far more of facing my inner depths of uncertainty, illusion, separation, anger, disappointment, and chaos in high intensity than any other time period of my life.  As I see my Saturn return in Scorpio approaching, I sense this is the pinnacle of owning my own power.

The Pleasure of Living

Sometimes I forget to breathe. Sometimes describes a lot of what goes on for me. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes not. Sometimes I'm selfish & sometimes selfless. I've come to a place where I feel more solid and safe finally.  There have been times more recently where I have been pretty scared and unsure of how to move forward in Life.  I have such great support of friends and family and more than anything, God.  As I relax into this safety, letting go of fear and doubt, I'm able to see how to give my best from within to what is in front of me.  I get scared sometimes about rules I've set up for my own living & what will keep me safe and on a good path. Often I find this has to do with either what I'm used to, told, grown up with, and influenced by from others. The best way I've found is through experience. What has this experience brought to my attention which requires rules? Rules about how to live that I might experience a more relaxed, pleasurable and joyful existence.  Maybe structure is a better term for it.  Breathing is number one on the list. If I can breath, then I exist and can survive which in turn will become thriving.  Beyond this I choose to eat healthily, which can mean so many different things as I have gone from extremes of living a super refined low-fat raw vegan diet (organic raw fruits and veggies 100% off the land) to eating what is available, whether it is meat or organic or what not.  Koho pono, to pick what is right... this is something I am coming to learn about and would like to understand much deeper. The discernment process of learning what is best for me to surround myself with & bring inside me so I can be outputting the best of myself as well.  This applies not only to food and physical environment, but to those I surround myself with & their influence  of thoughts, words and actions.  I suppose this is how I see myself integrating these extreme experiences in some way, through koho pono, discernment.  I love to do so much in this life and have come to understand that I can actually be great at anything I put Love into, that is if I am aware of being Love.  Meditation helps with this.  This is something I have found to be a great structural support in my life.  It brings peace and inner focus to my life.  These are the things I am finding help me in creating discipline for creating the rest of my life. So I can experience more than just the pain and suffering of failed relationships or my lack of confidence in working because the inner life I hold so deeply within has sometimes been difficult to bridge with the outer world and it's demands.
I've given up drama for Lent & I hope I'm doing a good job of keeping up with that... at least sometimes. I really would like to be more stable and solid by using these concepts for living a more pono life. Koho pono will be a good reminder of how to go about the day in choosing what to bring into focus. 

What just happened?

We are the beginning & end, inside & out. So much is happening & becoming in this moment. The shifts are here. We are transforming-everything and everyone all at once.  There is no longer separation. What is happening? How are we shifting focus? How is the transformation taking shape & form? We are all pieces of the masterful plan of healing & saving our Earth from greed and need. You may plant a tree today & help a friend tomorrow. You may cook a meal for someone, or simply be taking good care of yourself so that you can be available to give to others.  I am learning that self love is selfless love when it comes full circle.  We've got to start with the self in order to give from the endless abundance we truly are. I've finally gotten a job, a house and a sense of family in the most beautiful place I know of.  I feel truly blessed and happy here.  I'm not sure how to describe how it all happened, but somehow God knew what I was destined for & here I am to live it.  Sure sounds good to me.  I'm listening now, deeply.  I don't expect anyone else to hear what I'm hearing, but maybe you do & inevitably we will be able to move in the right direction together. It may sound esoteric and mysterious, but it really isn't if you are listening, really listening.

calm before the storm

Things are a changing. It's kinda like the storm coming. The clouds creep in, and all of a sudden your surrounded by it, right in the middle of it. I stare off into the distance of the ocean surrounding this island, again reminding me of the stillness surrounding me.  It is a kind of calm that leaves no room for ka makani, the wind to wrap her gentle tradewind arms, nor tear at the treetops with fierce-some blows.  It is a calm that I breathe in and out as I sit here staring out the window. Suddenly I feel a shift, as that of the wind, but inside. I can feel him arriving before I even hear the car. It's as if the universe is reminding me that we are all connected, if we only are listening. I keep listening...It's like hearing with my whole body, my whole senses & something beyond senses. This is the same feeling I get every time I step inside and out towards my highest potential. Every time I think, say or act on truth I feel it resounding and collecting inside of me, building a sturdy foundation to stand and move into.