Being in the moment, meditation & mantra

I have been experiencing more and more presence and awareness as I meditate daily in the morning. Sometimes when I arise from being in meditation I feel a sense of anxiety about the rest of the day and what is to come.  If this arises throughout the day I use the mantra I use in meditation to calm my mind and focus, which helps.  It has been easier and easier to feel the flow of the moment and let go of my mind and just relax and feel my heart and the Love I am.

Love it. Thanks a lot. I'm calming down and things are chill now. I'm with some really good people and figuring out my head trip about things I've been going through. Thanks for being here for me as a friend to talk with about cool ideas and help me get  my vision through... I am in a new reality of sorts and it is pretty trippy.  I can see how dreams really do affect our sense of self and reality and how we're all just dreaming pretty much all the time, although I watch my mind and the dreaming and the dreamer and the sense of wanting to control and direct and at the same time let go and experience yang/yin balance has been increased and balancing out in various ways.  I still really feel like I am going through a lot and would like to have time to integrate what is happening on the inside of me and surrounding me, and at the same time as I meditate it becomes less and less concerned with analyzing and more and more part of the dance which I am involved in with others. It's interesting...I am feeling as if studying yoga and thai massage with Coleenah would be great and finish up school.  I am stoked on the place I'm at and the experiences I've been having with K.. & friends. I really love the property I'm on and they have coffee that needs picking and they have work parties and we'd love to have you come and have music and fun even bring the crew and work on all sorts of cool projects together. There is lots of healing the land can go through in many places throughout the islands. I see this huge visio n of work parties like yogarden and getting festivals going in places with local community and friends and ohana. We are all so connected to each other and the earth. We need to start living a life that honors one another and the earth. This is what I have learned and come to in my time here on the Big I. All things are bound together. All things connect.What happens to the Earth happens to the children of the earth.  Man has not woven the wegb of Life. He is but one thread. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself. WE are in the WAKE of dreams. Look up the book if you like... It might help.  Its sometimes so difficult to land somewhere and see things for what they are and actually want to commit to something to fulfill a dream or desire I might have had at some point or continue to just let it unfold, trusting that if I do commit and let go that it can be just as beautiful, if not more beautiful than I had ever dreamed of or planned. It requires so much faith and trust to really keep watchful discernment of what I take in and what I do not. 
It really does require more and more awareness to keep moving in the direction...as I realize how simple it is to gain awareness by simply meditating and contemplating and non-action balancing it with doing, being and creating within and without.  It's amazing what has been happening internally as I have been here at K.'s for the last 4 days.  I can't believe how much I've been able to just let go and relax and be present with the process of moving my whole life again. It seems rather abrupt, but I guess it was meant to be. I can hardly believe how much has happened in the last month, let alone the last year. I really haven't explained the process of healing I've been experiencing from the time I left Sacred Path till now.  It has been very helpful in my understanding of grounding and thought and direction.  I've been reading a lot of my journals and seeing how I got from the beginning of Sacred Path till now.  I see the same patterns and watch the pieces I've sewn together unfold and interact in their own organic way.  It seems perception has so much to do with how I feel about where I'm at and where I'm going.  dslldsfksldfjo3iwhef.ssf....so much to say and I really wish I could just share through experience somehow, seeing as how perception can be so subjective and based on the moment. Isn't that sort of what reality is about though? are we dreaming the dream or are we being the dream? That seems to be the underlying theme lately which surrounds my understanding of my own Saturn return in Scorpio.  As Saturn represents the grounding, limiting force within astrology, I find my own Saturn in Scorpio in the 7th house to be about coming into understanding of the depth of feeling and surrender that unites one in union with God/Self/Other and finds Union deep within and without.  A lot of it has to do with the depth of relationship I am in with myself, and others in my life. 
It really feels good to write.  There is so much that I have to do, people to connect and grow this movement of life I feel within and am excited to commit to sharing with others.  It is the constantly growing perspective of seeing the beauty of the world and everything in it and finding ways to Love better and brighter in each moment.  There's so much healing to be done and Love finds its way to bring it into the world and through my heart and hands.  =) Enough for now.  rambling and rolling with the words helps me connect the dots, I hope it connects you to me and helps you see what I'm up to. ..

Perceptions of fear

Realizing that I am going through fear and having the courage to face it has been essential in the last 7 years, let alone 7 days.  Finally understanding how much I've been feeding this fear through worry and hesitation and "processing" has been so incredibly self-indulgent.  I'm finally willing to accept that I may not have gotten the Love I wanted or deserved to have as a child/adolescent growing up, but ultimately it taught me to cultivate self Love as opposed to attaching myself to receiving it on the outside.  This is a very interesting containment process which I am grateful to have had the assistance of Sacred Path community, and my family and friends and lovers and everyone who has been a part of showing me how to cultivate this inner Love.  It is a dual process of experiencing it from the outside and reflecting it on the inside & vice versa.
Living in the place I am living now has taught me a lot about facing the deeper inner fears as well, fear of pain & suffering and death especially.  They say that Waipi'o has a portal to the underworld & I believe it from what I have been through here. In the 8+ months I have spent here I have experienced far more of facing my inner depths of uncertainty, illusion, separation, anger, disappointment, and chaos in high intensity than any other time period of my life.  As I see my Saturn return in Scorpio approaching, I sense this is the pinnacle of owning my own power.

The Pleasure of Living

Sometimes I forget to breathe. Sometimes describes a lot of what goes on for me. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes not. Sometimes I'm selfish & sometimes selfless. I've come to a place where I feel more solid and safe finally.  There have been times more recently where I have been pretty scared and unsure of how to move forward in Life.  I have such great support of friends and family and more than anything, God.  As I relax into this safety, letting go of fear and doubt, I'm able to see how to give my best from within to what is in front of me.  I get scared sometimes about rules I've set up for my own living & what will keep me safe and on a good path. Often I find this has to do with either what I'm used to, told, grown up with, and influenced by from others. The best way I've found is through experience. What has this experience brought to my attention which requires rules? Rules about how to live that I might experience a more relaxed, pleasurable and joyful existence.  Maybe structure is a better term for it.  Breathing is number one on the list. If I can breath, then I exist and can survive which in turn will become thriving.  Beyond this I choose to eat healthily, which can mean so many different things as I have gone from extremes of living a super refined low-fat raw vegan diet (organic raw fruits and veggies 100% off the land) to eating what is available, whether it is meat or organic or what not.  Koho pono, to pick what is right... this is something I am coming to learn about and would like to understand much deeper. The discernment process of learning what is best for me to surround myself with & bring inside me so I can be outputting the best of myself as well.  This applies not only to food and physical environment, but to those I surround myself with & their influence  of thoughts, words and actions.  I suppose this is how I see myself integrating these extreme experiences in some way, through koho pono, discernment.  I love to do so much in this life and have come to understand that I can actually be great at anything I put Love into, that is if I am aware of being Love.  Meditation helps with this.  This is something I have found to be a great structural support in my life.  It brings peace and inner focus to my life.  These are the things I am finding help me in creating discipline for creating the rest of my life. So I can experience more than just the pain and suffering of failed relationships or my lack of confidence in working because the inner life I hold so deeply within has sometimes been difficult to bridge with the outer world and it's demands.
I've given up drama for Lent & I hope I'm doing a good job of keeping up with that... at least sometimes. I really would like to be more stable and solid by using these concepts for living a more pono life. Koho pono will be a good reminder of how to go about the day in choosing what to bring into focus. 

What just happened?

We are the beginning & end, inside & out. So much is happening & becoming in this moment. The shifts are here. We are transforming-everything and everyone all at once.  There is no longer separation. What is happening? How are we shifting focus? How is the transformation taking shape & form? We are all pieces of the masterful plan of healing & saving our Earth from greed and need. You may plant a tree today & help a friend tomorrow. You may cook a meal for someone, or simply be taking good care of yourself so that you can be available to give to others.  I am learning that self love is selfless love when it comes full circle.  We've got to start with the self in order to give from the endless abundance we truly are. I've finally gotten a job, a house and a sense of family in the most beautiful place I know of.  I feel truly blessed and happy here.  I'm not sure how to describe how it all happened, but somehow God knew what I was destined for & here I am to live it.  Sure sounds good to me.  I'm listening now, deeply.  I don't expect anyone else to hear what I'm hearing, but maybe you do & inevitably we will be able to move in the right direction together. It may sound esoteric and mysterious, but it really isn't if you are listening, really listening.

calm before the storm

Things are a changing. It's kinda like the storm coming. The clouds creep in, and all of a sudden your surrounded by it, right in the middle of it. I stare off into the distance of the ocean surrounding this island, again reminding me of the stillness surrounding me.  It is a kind of calm that leaves no room for ka makani, the wind to wrap her gentle tradewind arms, nor tear at the treetops with fierce-some blows.  It is a calm that I breathe in and out as I sit here staring out the window. Suddenly I feel a shift, as that of the wind, but inside. I can feel him arriving before I even hear the car. It's as if the universe is reminding me that we are all connected, if we only are listening. I keep listening...It's like hearing with my whole body, my whole senses & something beyond senses. This is the same feeling I get every time I step inside and out towards my highest potential. Every time I think, say or act on truth I feel it resounding and collecting inside of me, building a sturdy foundation to stand and move into.