Being in the moment, meditation & mantra

I have been experiencing more and more presence and awareness as I meditate daily in the morning. Sometimes when I arise from being in meditation I feel a sense of anxiety about the rest of the day and what is to come.  If this arises throughout the day I use the mantra I use in meditation to calm my mind and focus, which helps.  It has been easier and easier to feel the flow of the moment and let go of my mind and just relax and feel my heart and the Love I am.

Love it. Thanks a lot. I'm calming down and things are chill now. I'm with some really good people and figuring out my head trip about things I've been going through. Thanks for being here for me as a friend to talk with about cool ideas and help me get  my vision through... I am in a new reality of sorts and it is pretty trippy.  I can see how dreams really do affect our sense of self and reality and how we're all just dreaming pretty much all the time, although I watch my mind and the dreaming and the dreamer and the sense of wanting to control and direct and at the same time let go and experience yang/yin balance has been increased and balancing out in various ways.  I still really feel like I am going through a lot and would like to have time to integrate what is happening on the inside of me and surrounding me, and at the same time as I meditate it becomes less and less concerned with analyzing and more and more part of the dance which I am involved in with others. It's interesting...I am feeling as if studying yoga and thai massage with Coleenah would be great and finish up school.  I am stoked on the place I'm at and the experiences I've been having with K.. & friends. I really love the property I'm on and they have coffee that needs picking and they have work parties and we'd love to have you come and have music and fun even bring the crew and work on all sorts of cool projects together. There is lots of healing the land can go through in many places throughout the islands. I see this huge visio n of work parties like yogarden and getting festivals going in places with local community and friends and ohana. We are all so connected to each other and the earth. We need to start living a life that honors one another and the earth. This is what I have learned and come to in my time here on the Big I. All things are bound together. All things connect.What happens to the Earth happens to the children of the earth.  Man has not woven the wegb of Life. He is but one thread. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself. WE are in the WAKE of dreams. Look up the book if you like... It might help.  Its sometimes so difficult to land somewhere and see things for what they are and actually want to commit to something to fulfill a dream or desire I might have had at some point or continue to just let it unfold, trusting that if I do commit and let go that it can be just as beautiful, if not more beautiful than I had ever dreamed of or planned. It requires so much faith and trust to really keep watchful discernment of what I take in and what I do not. 
It really does require more and more awareness to keep moving in the direction...as I realize how simple it is to gain awareness by simply meditating and contemplating and non-action balancing it with doing, being and creating within and without.  It's amazing what has been happening internally as I have been here at K.'s for the last 4 days.  I can't believe how much I've been able to just let go and relax and be present with the process of moving my whole life again. It seems rather abrupt, but I guess it was meant to be. I can hardly believe how much has happened in the last month, let alone the last year. I really haven't explained the process of healing I've been experiencing from the time I left Sacred Path till now.  It has been very helpful in my understanding of grounding and thought and direction.  I've been reading a lot of my journals and seeing how I got from the beginning of Sacred Path till now.  I see the same patterns and watch the pieces I've sewn together unfold and interact in their own organic way.  It seems perception has so much to do with how I feel about where I'm at and where I'm going.  dslldsfksldfjo3iwhef.ssf....so much to say and I really wish I could just share through experience somehow, seeing as how perception can be so subjective and based on the moment. Isn't that sort of what reality is about though? are we dreaming the dream or are we being the dream? That seems to be the underlying theme lately which surrounds my understanding of my own Saturn return in Scorpio.  As Saturn represents the grounding, limiting force within astrology, I find my own Saturn in Scorpio in the 7th house to be about coming into understanding of the depth of feeling and surrender that unites one in union with God/Self/Other and finds Union deep within and without.  A lot of it has to do with the depth of relationship I am in with myself, and others in my life. 
It really feels good to write.  There is so much that I have to do, people to connect and grow this movement of life I feel within and am excited to commit to sharing with others.  It is the constantly growing perspective of seeing the beauty of the world and everything in it and finding ways to Love better and brighter in each moment.  There's so much healing to be done and Love finds its way to bring it into the world and through my heart and hands.  =) Enough for now.  rambling and rolling with the words helps me connect the dots, I hope it connects you to me and helps you see what I'm up to. ..

Perceptions of fear

Realizing that I am going through fear and having the courage to face it has been essential in the last 7 years, let alone 7 days.  Finally understanding how much I've been feeding this fear through worry and hesitation and "processing" has been so incredibly self-indulgent.  I'm finally willing to accept that I may not have gotten the Love I wanted or deserved to have as a child/adolescent growing up, but ultimately it taught me to cultivate self Love as opposed to attaching myself to receiving it on the outside.  This is a very interesting containment process which I am grateful to have had the assistance of Sacred Path community, and my family and friends and lovers and everyone who has been a part of showing me how to cultivate this inner Love.  It is a dual process of experiencing it from the outside and reflecting it on the inside & vice versa.
Living in the place I am living now has taught me a lot about facing the deeper inner fears as well, fear of pain & suffering and death especially.  They say that Waipi'o has a portal to the underworld & I believe it from what I have been through here. In the 8+ months I have spent here I have experienced far more of facing my inner depths of uncertainty, illusion, separation, anger, disappointment, and chaos in high intensity than any other time period of my life.  As I see my Saturn return in Scorpio approaching, I sense this is the pinnacle of owning my own power.