Death is but an illusion, then so is life.
When things don’t go the way you planned, the way you wanted, what do you do? Do you cry, rage, stomp about and complain? How do you deal with disappointment? It has been one of my most difficult emotions in life and a great teacher of how to not be so attached to outcomes, or the effort put forth towards such outcomes, I suppose. I feel the sting of disappointment sharply, as if being given something so desired and having it ripped away, after just barely tasting it. It is enough to know the sweetness of what actual fulfillment might feel like, look like, sound like and taste like, yet not in it’s entirety. It becomes a chase which is endless and infuriating, not worth the emotional strain and struggle to atain the cherished desire. This is how aerial arts began for me.
Today’s disillusionment deals with my desire to be desired, in some ways, although that one is a deeper subject we’ll get to another day. Today it appears, the desire to have a passion fulfilled through career is at the top of my reasons for disdain. I feel sad and resist the urge to pity myself for my own reasonable knowledge of detachment and such, yet am human and have feelings, real ones that vacillate with the tides of joy and sorrow ever ebbing and flowing through life. There is a sense of disempowerment in letting go of desire, one of freedom too, on the other side of wanting seems to be the very thing we simply are and have no need of wanting.
I started my adult aerial dance series last week and it did not have the number of students I was hoping, not even close. I called some people who were interested & a couple said they could start in a couple weeks since they were both injured & needed time to heal. Today I got a message that all of a sudden Kahilu Theater has no availability for my classes next week since the staff is going on retreat that day. As we speak, I am getting messages from Kat about her adult aerial class and needing an assistant for aerial 3 in exchange for being in the adult aerial silks class. It is a small consolation, really allowing me to continue in my endeavor of aerial arts, yet not expanding or taking on the role I wished to. Which is ok I suppose, still just hurts in a way which I wish I were immune to. Don’t we all wish we were immune to these feelings?
How can we deal with dissapointment? How can we see a greater will is leading us towards our highest path, when it doesn’t look the way we expected it to? I find each emotional hole I dig, no matter how it comes about, is simply there to be filled to the brim with the abundance life offers almost immediately after the death of something expected and not fulfilled. Sometimes allowing death is the hard part. Most people fear death, be it physical or psychological. Death is simply a transformation. Energy is never created or destroyed, it is simply transformed. So how do I transform the energy of disaster? How do I take my head out of my disappointed ass and allow my higher self to guide me? Why do I struggle so much in this process? I don’t wish to be egotistical and proud, I wish to be of service, to dream and fulfill the desire put in me. Why else would I have this desire? Why would I just be tortured to have a desire and no way to fulfill it? I am not that much of a masochist, despite being an aerialist. In my opinion, aerialists seem to have a penchant for enjoying pain more than the average person, although some may just tolerate it for the enjoyment on the other side of the coin.
Perhaps that’s all this is, duality in motion. All things that go up must come down, gravity, right? I think I wish to defy gravity and fly, hence being an aerialist. Hey, what a cool idea for a show! Basing it on physics: gravity, centripetal force, aerodynamics, inertia.. fun! Perhaps the ideas that spring forth from disaster are more fertile since I do feel like a pile of compost right now. Let’s assume something incredible happens as a result of being willing to feel the death of something wished for. An act of bravery, walking through to the other side of something not imagined, the unknown. Letting space become, allowing rather than creating, letting life touch the fragile parts, embarrased for failing, nurturing them to see their part in being beautiful, whole and a vital piece of the process of success as well. For without duality how would we feel, experience, and remember? Shifting towards ever more subtle realms of gradients, rather than extremes seems to be the goal. Finding the dimmer switch, so to speak, as my mom has said many times.
This too shall pass, so remain hopeful and humble.
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