Sometimes you notice it. Sometimes it is right there staring you in the face. The contradiction of being, aka:duality. I just noticed that the last blog post I did touched on desire, and the one prior to it, which I only published at the same time due to it never being published years before when it was written, stated the exact opposite, letting go of desire. So today I decided to write about the spaces between the swing from one extreme to another. Those spaces are the places we find our happy medium, nothing too risky or daring, not stretching our boundaries or consciousness as the extremes tend to do. These are the places we can actually live from, the places comfortable after return from either end of intensity.
So what is desire? I’ve been considering this greatly, as it has been quite present in my own consciousness lately. For myself it is a deep gut feeling of wanting, as if it were a need almost, like a baby wanting comfort from it’s mother. I have been considering what constitutes the line between a need and a desire. Where do we know what category something falls into? We certainly need air, water, food, and in my opinion love and physical affection. Do we need purpose? Do we need companionship, friendship, partnership? I sense in my own life the necessity of these things, and yet when it comes down to it, perhaps they are really desires as well. I find myself yearning for more, an expansion, a freedom to create the life of my dreams and much of it stems from desire. The very feeling of desire is what drives me to pursue those and other things. The greater the desire, the stronger the passion that fuels my pursuit. Passion feels like a burning, perhaps of the old, transforming past desire, achievement, personal attachments and the like to fuel new ones. It is a difficult process to let go of what we once cherished as our own self, identity, ego, the effort put into the desires and their fulfillment. Although, a continual process of moving forward, while remaining watchful of the process, it’s alchemy, artistry.
Where does this wanting come from? Is it ego? Is it something deeper? How do I approach my desire? Like a friend, an enemy, a stranger, a sage, a fool? Do I embrace this feeling and let it consume me? This has been my tendency in life, trusting it to lead me in the direction of my cherished dreams, even if those dreams were unbeknownst to me at the time. I will say the feeling of desiring vs non desiring as described in the recent post called “ The Unbearable Lightness of Being”, is one of two uncomfortable states, complete emptiness on both ends, one being a continuous vacuum, the other a stasis of spaciousness with no directionality. How to find the comfortable space between?
Imagine you have a dimmer switch, the ability to tone down or tone up any feeling, including desire. It is a muscle, just like the others, needing exercise, stretching, and regular periods of use and rest to remain in optimal condition. Finding that right combination for utilizing any emotional state, aware of the after effect each one has upon our consciousness, is what I am aiming for at this point. I find myself tipping to extremes in order to feel more alive, more excited, just more in general. Why is it we value more instead of less? Perhaps less is desirable in some situations, less crowded, less pollution, less clutter, less restriction. I suppose it is simply a matter of opinion and subjectivity though. For myself, I vacillate, as already displayed and described here.
The difficulty I have most recently been having is not so much with desire or lack of it. It is the judgment of such desire and attempt to control it, contract it, deny it. Imagine a river flowing freely, with currents rising and falling with the influx and egress of rainfall, snow melt, tributaries adjoining, etc. Now imagine a dam keeping that water from flowing downstream. The amount of power available at the point of the dam swells, reaching a point where it may overflow, so an over flow, diversion, piping or some form of transport is arranged for the water. Downstream, the environment changes, what was once lush and green, vibrant and verdant shrivels. Rocks and desert remain, hot dry, burning, thirsting for the fulfillment of the life giving sweetness of the river’s bounty once more. I feel this way with the emotional pull of desire and my attempts to control it. What would happen if I allow it, let it flow freely? I sometimes fear it would be a disaster, letting the dam break and
flooding the surrounding area, causing destruction and devastation. Perhaps there is a way to start
letting it flow slowly once again, steadily increasing the flow as downstream regains it’s vibrancy, it’s ability to contain and receive the power steadily.
I’m tired of so much effort. I am going to allow myself to feel fully in each moment
A and do my best not to judge it or take it personally if anyone else does. I imagine a place where I am free to feel and express the desire flowing through me, not analyzing them or dissecting them in any way shape or form. To feel desire for something, someone, and be lit up by the fire consuming me forward into union with the object of my desire. To feel desired in return and allow the boundaries to dissolve, reveling in the bliss of receiving and giving pleasure through losing control, allowing, crashing into, riding the wave of heightened awareness to it’s crest. To stop choosing the safe and boring path, just satisfying enough to keep these emotions from spilling over the brim of my yearning heart. To stop trying to satisfy everyone around me, being stable for their sake, although I certainly don’t wish to be unstable, simply not static.
So what is desire? I’ve been considering this greatly, as it has been quite present in my own consciousness lately. For myself it is a deep gut feeling of wanting, as if it were a need almost, like a baby wanting comfort from it’s mother. I have been considering what constitutes the line between a need and a desire. Where do we know what category something falls into? We certainly need air, water, food, and in my opinion love and physical affection. Do we need purpose? Do we need companionship, friendship, partnership? I sense in my own life the necessity of these things, and yet when it comes down to it, perhaps they are really desires as well. I find myself yearning for more, an expansion, a freedom to create the life of my dreams and much of it stems from desire. The very feeling of desire is what drives me to pursue those and other things. The greater the desire, the stronger the passion that fuels my pursuit. Passion feels like a burning, perhaps of the old, transforming past desire, achievement, personal attachments and the like to fuel new ones. It is a difficult process to let go of what we once cherished as our own self, identity, ego, the effort put into the desires and their fulfillment. Although, a continual process of moving forward, while remaining watchful of the process, it’s alchemy, artistry.
Where does this wanting come from? Is it ego? Is it something deeper? How do I approach my desire? Like a friend, an enemy, a stranger, a sage, a fool? Do I embrace this feeling and let it consume me? This has been my tendency in life, trusting it to lead me in the direction of my cherished dreams, even if those dreams were unbeknownst to me at the time. I will say the feeling of desiring vs non desiring as described in the recent post called “ The Unbearable Lightness of Being”, is one of two uncomfortable states, complete emptiness on both ends, one being a continuous vacuum, the other a stasis of spaciousness with no directionality. How to find the comfortable space between?
Imagine you have a dimmer switch, the ability to tone down or tone up any feeling, including desire. It is a muscle, just like the others, needing exercise, stretching, and regular periods of use and rest to remain in optimal condition. Finding that right combination for utilizing any emotional state, aware of the after effect each one has upon our consciousness, is what I am aiming for at this point. I find myself tipping to extremes in order to feel more alive, more excited, just more in general. Why is it we value more instead of less? Perhaps less is desirable in some situations, less crowded, less pollution, less clutter, less restriction. I suppose it is simply a matter of opinion and subjectivity though. For myself, I vacillate, as already displayed and described here.
The difficulty I have most recently been having is not so much with desire or lack of it. It is the judgment of such desire and attempt to control it, contract it, deny it. Imagine a river flowing freely, with currents rising and falling with the influx and egress of rainfall, snow melt, tributaries adjoining, etc. Now imagine a dam keeping that water from flowing downstream. The amount of power available at the point of the dam swells, reaching a point where it may overflow, so an over flow, diversion, piping or some form of transport is arranged for the water. Downstream, the environment changes, what was once lush and green, vibrant and verdant shrivels. Rocks and desert remain, hot dry, burning, thirsting for the fulfillment of the life giving sweetness of the river’s bounty once more. I feel this way with the emotional pull of desire and my attempts to control it. What would happen if I allow it, let it flow freely? I sometimes fear it would be a disaster, letting the dam break and
flooding the surrounding area, causing destruction and devastation. Perhaps there is a way to start
letting it flow slowly once again, steadily increasing the flow as downstream regains it’s vibrancy, it’s ability to contain and receive the power steadily.
I’m tired of so much effort. I am going to allow myself to feel fully in each moment
A and do my best not to judge it or take it personally if anyone else does. I imagine a place where I am free to feel and express the desire flowing through me, not analyzing them or dissecting them in any way shape or form. To feel desire for something, someone, and be lit up by the fire consuming me forward into union with the object of my desire. To feel desired in return and allow the boundaries to dissolve, reveling in the bliss of receiving and giving pleasure through losing control, allowing, crashing into, riding the wave of heightened awareness to it’s crest. To stop choosing the safe and boring path, just satisfying enough to keep these emotions from spilling over the brim of my yearning heart. To stop trying to satisfy everyone around me, being stable for their sake, although I certainly don’t wish to be unstable, simply not static.
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